We’ve all had those days. Waking up at 1pm, scrolling through our Facebook newsfeed only to get into a DEEP stalk of a right-winged landscaper from your hometown who reposts the NRA. Doing absolutely nothing to better ourselves or society. I always wake up after those days a bit hungover with self-disappointment and smelling of the waste that is my life. I decide that the next day will be productive. Of course, life always throws us curve balls, and we can’t predict the unpredictability of the following day’s craziness. What is often supposed to be a day of job hunting turns into a day of researching ways to job hunt. You see what I’m getting at?  Here are some of the “productive” things I do on those special days:

  1. Unsubscribe to distracting email lists. (Yesterday was all about subscribing to fun email lists to get me out into the world Re: wanderlust, nononsence nyc, timeout nyc)
  2. Add healthy foods to my FreshDirect cart for approx. 6 hours. (Only to realize I have no money and then realize in the time it took for me to come to this conclusion my food probably went bad.
  3. Partake in a Facebook friend list genocide. (Tomorrow will be adding people from high school who I believe have potential to be positive work connections in the future)
  4. Update my LinkedIn. (Then realize I should be applying for actual jobs then realize that I can’t apply for jobs if my LinkedIn is out-of-date then realize that there is nothing to update because I have no job)
  5. Research alternative exercise classes on Groupon (Then decide that’s too hard and move on to juice cleanses then realize I can make the juice myself and for half the price…See #2)
  6. Go through my Instagram and delete pictures that don’t fit my overall aesthetic. (Then decide I want a new aesthetic and Google “Tumblr, girls, edgy, fields, sunflowers, blurry city lights” then realize social media is stupid and erase all my accounts but only the apps so that if I decide I want to try becomming social media famous I still have my 100 followers)
  7. Research the origins of certain everyday phrases. “Eat a bag of dicks” and “open sesame” come to mind.
  8. Frantically try to change my class schedule to accommodate a more useful career path, such as finance. Realize I haven’t taken math since Junior year of high school. Have second thoughts about the system, and decide that university is just a method of social control anyway. Listen to “Another Brick in the Wall” and rent Zeitgeist and google “how did the guy in ‘Into the Wild’ have the courage to leave everything behind and move to Alaska and not make out with Kristen Stewart?”
  9. Look up motivational quotes on brainyquote.com (to keep up the positive productive attitude for tomorrow). Debate making one my Instagram “about me,” but then remembering I erased the app. Look up tattoo fonts. Google “tattoos gone wrong” and find a picture of someone from Texas with “Eat a bag of”tatted above his dick. Full circle.
  10. Decide that the job market is lucrative and that I don’t fit the traditional mold of a white collar employee. Pat myself on the fucking back. Look up quick ways to make money and put an ad on Craiglist for nude housekeeping. Watch the episode of Broad City where they do the same thing. Laugh. Decide I want to become a comedy writer and sign up for $500 improv classes. Go back on Craiglist to find a way to pay for them.
  11. Write up a blog post about my productive day for me to read later that day because no one else reads my blog. Maybe I can help someone be as fertile as me (Look up synonyms for “productive” and find “fertile” and not really think it fits but use it anyway).
  12. Kind of be annoyed that the list ended at 11 and put an unnecessary 12th.