Wheat-less alternatives to all your favorite romance-inducing concoctions!

By: Stephanie D’Agostini
  1. Repeatedly find ways at brunch to bring up how much of a “boys’ girl” you are. No need to explain what this means, but extra points for mentioning you never got along with girls growing up! *Sprinkle coconut oil and cyanide on his eggs benedict*
  2. Make his bed in the morning. When he says, “My mom used to say the first girl who makes my bed is the girl I should marry,” shrug it off. Quietly mention that you don’t believe in commitment, and that you’d never want to tie down a being as sexually repressed as a man. *Pepper his cereal with almond milk and arsenic*
  3. Make him and his friends’ wings during “boys night.” Laugh about how you have the biggest appetite out of every girl in your immediate friend group. Cute burp before wondering out-loud how all the fat goes straight to your ass. Run to the bathroom and make yourself vomit so you don’t actually get fat. *Bake wing coating with cashew flour and bleach*
  4. Get tickets to your man’s favorite sporting event. Joke lightly about how you tried convincing your high school wrestling coach to let you play rough with the boys during practice. God, you’re such a tomboy. Toss in the fact that you “Barely wear makeup. I mean seriously, what even is mascara!?” Haha. *Crack open his beer for him, but not before dropping in some hemp seeds and pesticides*
  5. Hop in your favorite tight yoga pants from junior high and forget to wear a bra with your white tank top during your Sunday morning routine. You literally don’t even care what you look like! He’ll be sure to notice you’re an effortless mess. Which you are…Such a trainwreck! Scroll aimlessly through your Facebook and roll your eyes when you admit “I kinda hate feminists.” *Spray his pillow with fermented probiotics and hydrofluoric acid*
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