Freshman: “Hi I’m Alisha, with an ‘s’ btw. I’m studying neoliberal cultural theory in post-colonial sub-Saharan Africa, with a concentration in social entrepreneurship in 21st century VR goat fucking. And yes I know that it’s day one of college but that’s what I’m studying. Also my hobbies include traveling. I speak 3 languages. I intend to take over the debate team and stop climate change. NYC is so cool!”
Sophomore: “I’m from Long Island, yuck I know. What else? Oh I’m a sophomore, definitely not a freshmen anymore, haha. I’m studying, who the fuck knows, Gallatin amiright? Haha, I bet nobody’s made that joke before. But really I’m studying performance art for hybrid species.”
Junior: “I studied abroad 16 times. I interned for a PR company and was still here when Cole Sprouse was, so he practically was my boyfriend. Or was it Dylan? Either way I got like 26 Insta followers from it. I only shop vintage. I’m studying ‘Ambiguiety.’ Which is super vague, I know, but Im an activist.”
Senior: “I was 34 minutes late what was the question? I study marketing.” Freshmen: Creative marketing? Senior: No, just marketing. BTW, we pay this asshole $2,000 per student per hour while I sleep with frat boys in hopes of eating the pizza in their garbage in the middle of the night. Oh and Alisha’s a whore.”
These students are in the Gallatin School of Individualized Studies…A school where students are encouraged to create an academic concentration catered to their personal interests. There are no requirements. Freshmen often think they have to come up with an elaborate description of their major on day one. So that’s why this is funny. IT’S FUNNY OK.