Freshman: “Hi I’m Alisha, with an ‘s’ btw. I’m studying neoliberal cultural theory in post-colonial sub-Saharan Africa, with a concentration in social entrepreneurship in 21st century VR goat fucking. And yes I know that it’s day one of college but that’s what I’m studying. Also my hobbies include traveling. I speak 3 languages. I intend to take over the debate team and stop climate change. NYC is so cool!”
Sophomore: “I’m from Long Island, yuck I know. What else? Oh I’m a sophomore, definitely not a freshmen anymore, haha. I’m studying, who the fuck knows, Gallatin amiright? Haha, I bet nobody’s made that joke before. But really I’m studying performance art for hybrid species.”
Junior: “I studied abroad 16 times. I interned for a PR company and was still here when Cole Sprouse was, so he practically was my boyfriend. Or was it Dylan? Either way I got like 26 Insta followers from it. I only shop vintage. I’m studying ‘Ambiguiety.’ Which is super vague, I know, but Im an activist.”
Senior: “I was 34 minutes late what was the question? I study marketing.”                       Freshmen: Creative marketing?                                                                                 Senior: 
No, just marketing. BTW, we pay this asshole $2,000 per student per hour while I sleep with frat boys in hopes of eating the pizza in their garbage in the middle of the night. Oh and Alisha’s a whore.”

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