“Oh heeeey! I didn’t even recognize you!”

“Oh, yeah maybe cuz I have diabetes now.”

 

“Maura? Oh my god, SO weird to see you on the subway.”

“Yeah…I…ride it sometimes.”

“What?”

“I said I ride it.”

 

“We should grab a drink one day!”

“When’s good for you? I’m busy.”

“I didn’t even—”

“I know. I don’t want to.”

 

“So are you still dating Adam?”

“No.”

“Ok, just making sure because we’ve been fucking.”

 

“So did you go to the inauguration protests on Saturday?”

“LOL. Of course not.”

“Right, I forgot you killed babies for fun and flossed your teeth with bat feces—”

“Sorry, what? The train was passing as you were talking.”

“I just said congrats on the big win!”

 

“Remember that one time we got really drunk freshmen year!?”

“Probably not, I had a serious drinking problem then to deal with my body image issues.”

“…well…I had fun anyway.”

 

“So did you ever figure out your major, haha?”

“Did you ever figure out that the reason you blow so many guys is because your Dad loved your sister more than you?”

“Sorry, what? The police siren was passing as you were talking.”

“I said yeah marketing and you’reawhore studies.”

“What?”

“Marketing and Al Gore studies.”

“Oh, cool! That’s big right now.”

 

“Woah! Have you been here the whole time?”

“Yeah I thought you saw me?”

“I totally didn’t! Bummer. I actually gotta go though…”

“Cool I was just heading out—”

“What? This way? Oh I….have a guillotine I need to put my head in over that way.”

 

“You still trying that stand-up thing?”

“Yeah well I call it fatally disappointing my family while they watch me slowly succumb to drug and alcohol addiction as they’re forced to foreclose on their homes, forcing them to move back in together in the same arrangement as their previously failed, loveless marriage, due to my student loan payments, which I can’t repay because I’m still ‘trying this stand-up thing.’ But yeah, you should come see me at a mic.”

 

“Well we’re having a party in Alphabet City this weekend if you wanna come!”

“So like a really packed tiny apartment with no breathing space?”

“Haha, yeah.”

“No thanks, I hate Tame Impala.”

 

“I actually just got back from studying abroad. In Cuba. It was sooo cultural. Honestly you have to do it.”

“Idk I don’t have a DSLR or tolerance for North American saviourism.”

“Oh bummer! Yeah I wouldn’t go then.”

 

“What’s new? Uh well I’m vegan now?”

“That’s great! I’m gluten free and doing anal!”

 

“Wow, it’s really been too long.”

“Since this conversation started? I know. I thought you’d never close your fat mouth. Macaroon?”

Advertisements