Some tips and tricks to distract you for the next 4(to 8) years!

  1. Eat a banana, peel and everything. The texture will confuse you, and you’ll begin to realize that peeling a banana is a lot like deskinning a human. It’s weird! Why do we do it? Also, ever notice how gross bananas are? Everyone who enjoys them must be a serial killer.
  2. Start telling everyone you’re meditating. Your cool points go up by like 7 on the arbitrary cool point scale. Use this time to sit alone in your room and count the blackheads on your nose. I promise there’s enough to eat up your time for the next 1,460 days (heck, even 2,920!), and make you just insecure enough that you’ll forget Russia is running our entire operation! Remember to look zen af upon leaving your room.
  3. Finally look up all the things you’ve known you should know, but failed to research after all this time. Some fun examples? “Why would you name your daughter Condaleezza?” “Are Gary Coleman and George Foreman the same thing? “Shonda Rhymes or Busta Rhymes?” “Honestly, who is Margaret Thatcher?” “Is Mars still a thing? And when I get there will there be any candy bars left? Also why are all these bitches tryna eat chocolate when they know it goes directly against their 2017 thigh gap resolution…Wait is it ‘in’ to be thick now? No? Ok I’ll go vomit up my eggs.”
  4. Find a prescription drug to get addicted to. No one will blame you during these dark times, plus it’ll be impossible to get them because your health insurance likely won’t exist and neither will rehabilitation programs! It’s the perfect time to test out “hitting rock bottom.” Who thinks about climate change when they’re too busy vomiting up blood and going through withdrawal?!
  5. Remember that list of “possible tattoo” quotes you have saved in your phone notes? Erase them. Then spend the next 4 years trying to find personal meaning in songs that have literally nothing to do with you, all over again! Do LGBTQ rights and gender equality really matter when you’re the vainest person you’ve ever met?
  6. Become a coffee enthusiast. Beans, roasts, regions, you can know it all! Watch everyone around you begin to hate you because you’re an asshole now. It’s nice not to have to hate, but to be hated for once. Who’s Donald Trump again?
  7. Track down every person in all the stock photos you’ve used. I bet some of them are fat now!
  8. Challenge yourself! Try a task you never though you could accomplish. Examples? Hiking a tall mountain. Eating healthy. Making your mother proud. Putting the first sheet on your bed properly, you fucking idiot. Not accidentally liking his Instgram pic from 42 weeks ago, you fat fingered shit. Not responding “Good, you?” after already starting the conversation with “How are you?” you literal imbecile.
  9. Haiku. Haiku. Haiki.

“How can one succumb

To fascism, when syllables

Are so fun to count?”

10. Find new pastimes. Examples? Unregulated rugby with Trump supporting cousins. Unsuspected hair cutting of Trump supporting aunts. Piano dropping on Trump supporting friends. Accidental African dung flinging at Trump supporting inanimate objects.

 

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