Boy: U shud come over 2nite 😉
Me: Do you have low fodmap (fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharide and polyols) friendly foods in your fridge? If not I can bring tums along with a condom.
Boy: What’re u wearing ?
Me: My fat pants from 2006 cuz my veggie burger had gluten in it. The lady on the subway gave up her seat for me cuz she thought i was pregnant lol
Boy: Wanna turnup l8r?
Me: Turnips are actually one of the foods I can eat in moderation! (2 servings). But no I don’t wanna go out I’m bloated.
Boy: Tickle, tickle!
Me: You’re gonna wanna not do that, Brian.
Boy: U should probably go to a doctor…
Me: Which one? My gastro, nutritionist, allergist, or gen practice? Or do you mean my psychiatrist cuz I see one of those too. What I’m saying is it’s all in my head.
Boy: I don’t think I can see you anymore…
Me: You mean I’m not bloated? OMG I’m like vanishing away into nothing haha, tnx!!
Boy: I wanna eat you up—
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there, Brian. My deactivated coconut charcoal pills are currently coagulating all the leftover intestinal bacteria in my stomach and I’d hate for you to get in the middle of that.
Boy: ur so hot
Me: That reminds me, can u plz run out and get lemons, i need to squeeze 4 into my hot water in the morning or else I’ll get blangry (bloated and hungry)
Boy: Babe you’re freaking out you need to re—
Me: Flax. Re-flax my oatmeal right now. I need the fiber.
*IBS is a serious health condition not acknowledged by most healthcare providers. If you or someone you know is suffering, know that there are options, such as miserably rearranging your entire diet on the off chance that one of the foods you love to eat is causing irritability in your stomach, but we’re not sure, because nobody’s actually ever researched it.