Some bits of wisdom from a girl who’s not qualified to give any:

  1. You’ll forget the parties, the hookups, the uber rides, and the exams. But you will never forget the drunk meals you made yourself at 4am while your suite mates were asleep. (I’m triggered every time I sense a spoonful of mayonnaise within 5 yards of my person)
  2. You will sign up for 2-6 clubs throughout college, all of which you will never attend a meeting. Some personal favorites are “Archeologists Meetup,” “Student Leaders Leading Through Leadership,” “Generic Marketing Club (We Post on Twitter!),” “Liberal Progressive Democrats of NYU” and “Grilled Cheese Babies of Floor 5.” If you signed up for more than 6, you might have commitment issues and are honestly just lazy. You probably won’t be successful.
  3. Your freshmen year roommate will you be your best friend for approximately 2.6 seconds. Upon looking back as to what may have disrupted the friendship, you’ll realize that you were both insecure, immature, still-highschool-seniors, who were both so awkward and confused at this point in your life that you were destined to not be friends very soon because you both sucked. It’s nobody’s fault. Everyone’s shitty until at least February of junior year.
  4. Scrolling backwards through your Facebook photos during finals is never a “10 minute blast to the past.” It’s a 3 hour realization that you peaked in 2011, Karen. You will never be that thin again. Remember when you thought you were fat in 2011? Well you were half the size you are now. 2017 Karen will never amount to even half of 2011 Karen. You were a hot 15 year old, and now you’re old and dying.
  5. No less than 13 (but no more than 24) people a day will tell you to study abroad. They’ll say that it changed their lives, that they “found themselves.” I am here to tell you that they didn’t find anything, other than the fact that it takes their bowels 2 weeks to become regular in a new time zone.
  6. You probably got drunk a lot these past 4 years. And you’re probably ashamed of some of those experiences. You should be. That was an inordinate and dangerous amount of cheap vodka you put in your body. Eating pizza out of a fraternity garbage can while everyone is distracted playing beer pong isn’t normal, Erika. Cleaning up your vomit with your passed out friend’s hands isn’t chill, Sam. But it sure was fun and you didn’t die. If nothing else, be proud of that.
  7. College will seem like the best thing since sliced bread until you have 3 weeks left of senior year. Then college will seem like the persistent boy from the floor below you of your freshmen year dorm, who always asked you to go to free hall snacks but really was hoping he’d get a quick (and I mean quick) BJ while his roommate was in the shower. Literally nobody’s got time for that. Especially during midterms.
  8. You thought you were such a tough guy, moving far away from home, huh? This is until you realize your parents are literally your best and only friends, and you’re a big baby who doesn’t know how to put the first layer of your bed sheets on properly. How come when Mom does it, the corners don’t fly off every time I move to the other side? HOW COME?!
  9. Registering for classes is arguably the most panic-inducing activity, right after having to decide which wire to cut from a ticking bomb, and figuring out if your friends were just being nice when they said that crop top you wear almost every weekend doesn’t make you look fat (there’s a 46% chance it does). You will feel like the rest of your life weighs entirely on those 16 credits and nothing else. It’s ok to not know what you’re doing because you still won’t on the day of graduation, and you’ll come to the calming realization that everyone’s just a fraud smiling and faking it until they die. It’s a lot easier to swallow than trying to justify how “Intro to Medieval Gardening” will fall into your greater life plan.
  10. If you or someone you know physically bought a textbook at any point in college, you’re a fucking idiot.
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