Here are some things you’ve probably heard a very smug and annoying person say, while thinking they are very special and unique for saying it.

“I honestly looove not having wifi. Technology sucks.”

“Bernie WOULD have beat Trump. No question.”

“I literally have no girl friends. I just get along with guys better! God, I probably couldn’t tell the difference between a mascara and a tampon. Talk about black marks in my ass and stabbing myself in the eyeball with vagina blood-soaking cotton swabs!”

“I hate talking about this, but I’ve been really hurt in the past. I just try to fix everyone. I guess I have commitment issues, ok? I hate feeling vulnerable. One time I didn’t eat between lunch and dinner just so I could feel empty. I know, I’m so broken.”

“Quentin Tarantino.”

“I’m actually a HUGE introvert. I love being alone. Shocking, I know. No, seriously. Omg I’m blushing. HALP I’m so shy and quirky. I love game shows. EEEP. TOTAL FUTURE CAT LADY!”

“OMG I literally have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I am SUCH a mess. Sometimes I forget to eat. I just wanna gain weight ugh. We should make a web series.”

[Points to plainest person in the room] “Wow she is SO beautiful. Call me unconventional but I really love natural beauty and like, different-looking women. Fuck beauty standards.”

[White person, to first minority he sees at a party] “I hate white people.”

“Moonlight, man. They made the gay thing so subtle. It subverted literally everything. Each shot was a symphony. I’m a film student.”

“I am SUCH a weirdo I only shop vintage.”

“Mosquitos just love me. Must have sweet blood;) Ha ha.”

“Ah people always say I look like [very hot celebrity who bears no resemblance to speaker] but I honestly don’t see it at all!”

“Girl Interrupted like, changed me. Call me the only person in the world who loves Winona Ryder in a cult-like way but I LOVE Winona Ryder in a cult-like way.”

“90s cartoon were the BEST. Ok fine I’ll say it: Total. Dork.”

“I was definitely born in the wrong era. I’m SUCH an old soul. LOL ok ok I get it ‘go back to hugging trees flower child.'”

“Have you seen Spirited Away?”

“I’m liberal socially but conservative fiscally. I know I know: ONE OF A KIND.”

“I’m SO gross I could eat cream cheese with a spoon. OK…I HAVE!!”

“Communism is great…in theory.”

 

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